


Hiding Behind A Mask

by Bleak_Existence1496



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Tags Are Hard, nothing is what it seems, some things are missed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-05-27
Packaged: 2019-05-14 07:58:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14765654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bleak_Existence1496/pseuds/Bleak_Existence1496
Summary: Donut is always smiles and giggles, but is it all just a mask or facade?





	Hiding Behind A Mask

**Author's Note:**

> This is mostly based off my own personal thoughts and feelings, these feeling and thoughts can be different for each person. If you are suffering through similar thoughts and situations, please seek help, by either talking to someone you trust or talking to a professional. If you ever need to I am here as well, no one needs to be alone with these thoughts and feelings.

Smiles, jokes, and some pretty well place dirty jokes is what he allows others to see, but what they don't see is all of these things are just part of mask. Staring in the mirror his good eye traces the spider webbing of scars that cover most of the right side of his face. His right ear is gone along with his hearing and some of the hair there as well. The scars snake their way towards the front and back of his skull. The scars mix with the freckles on him as they begin to cover his eye, no sight there either. A trembling hand raises up to trace on lone scar from the webbing crossing his dainty nose then down towards his soft bubble gum pink lips. One caribbean coloured eye and one lifeless, tear up as the crushing words echo in his mind.  
"You should be dead, you are rather lucky there, kid." a doctor says over and over face long forgotten due to how many he has seen since this first brush with death.  
Death.  
Death was nothing new to him after all on the farm death was all around him even, ever creeping in his mind to the point he had to suppress those thoughts and adopt the happy bubbly personality he is so well known for. Quickly wiping away the tears he spends the next hour putting on his mask and covering up the redness of his eyes from crying himself asleep.  
Stepping out of his room he bumps into Sam, causing himself to fall backwards nearly on his rump. A strong arm catches him gently by his arm.  
"Sorry, Sarge sent me to fetch you for breakfast." the other says in that ever stoic voice, marble coloured eyes never leaving his own. He finds himself smiling just a little to wide before answering.  
"Oh, I normally don't take so long to put myself together, but today seemed like a day to go out and make a larger impression." He finds the words ringing rather flat to his ears. Sam blinks looking him over.  
"You look fine without all the makeup Donut." He answers reaching up to wipe away a bit of smugged eyeliner, freezing when he takes note of the reddness still cling to the edges of his eyes. He stiffens quickly steping back and cocking his head to the side.  
"I enjoy wearing makeup. Well, better go make breakfast before Grif eats everything, you know how much he enjoys filling his holes." He says side stepping Sam and rushing to the kitchen before the other could stop him. Letting out a breath he steps into a war zone eyes going wide at sight of food flying from one end to the other.  
"You fucking senial old fuck! Simmons and I are just fine with leaving you here alone!" Grif shout as eggs, whole eggs, coming flying at the orange soilder's head.  
"You're to lazy to move at all, dirtbag. You think you'll just up and leave!" Sarge shouts.  
"I did it once before!" Grif returns, as everthing stops food falls to the ground as silence creeps around them settling like an uncomfortablly thick blanket. He sighs stepping around the food going for the old coffee machine.   
"You two should really come to wine and cheese hour today and talk. I know Simmons has been dying from the pressure you both have been putting in him." He finds himself saying with such ease. The older soilders freeze staring at him, keeping his gaze on the machine before him. Finding the coffee machine breakn once more a suffering sigh leaves him, before he can even stop it from leaving his lungs.  
"Donut? Are you okay?" Grif asks with some onuce of caution. He collects himself turning with that ever so bright smile.  
"Why, what ever makes you think there is someting wrong, Grif? It's not like I'm the one ripping into someone for my short commings." He says walking out feeling a bit better. Sarge, with Grif both stare at him in shock at the way the normally bubbly male snapped. Ignoring the growling of his stomach, he finds himself going outside and away from their home.   
Running, he is now running away from the base towards the caves of the moon base. Stepping inside, as gulps of air rush into his lungs. Moving deeper into the cave to hide from them, at least till he can explain away or cover up his sudden snapping at them. He knew he shouldn't have went to the kitchen, not eating wasn't something new to him. Sliding down the wall once deep enough hugging his knees close to his chest. Thoughts rush through him all circling around what has happened in the past years. Nearly dying so many times and even being left behind has started to wear him down to the point he finds himself unable to even recogizne the man he sees. Closing his eyes letting the dark thoughts just crash into him, to give in has been a long time coming. Maybe this time they will just let him suffer alone instead of dragging him around the galaxy for the next adventure.   
Footfalls, soft footfalls reach his only ear, quickly rising to his feet and rushing deeper into the cave. The footfalls increase in speed as he runs away from them. Stopping at the edge of an inner clif face fear courses through his veins. Eye darting about to find an exit, yet nothing, but the clif before him appears. Trembling, he peers over the edge to find nothing, but darkness. Quick paniced breaths leave him as he steps back, unknown tears rolling down his cheeks.   
Someone pulls him into a tight embrace pressing his face into a strong broad chest. A hand runs up and down his back keeping him close calming him, soft hums leave this person. They stand there as he crys into the chest for what feels like hours letting out all the hurt and pain he buries down deep in his mind. He looks up finding the face of Sam looking at him with worried eyes. He finds himself looking away and trying to remove the arms around him.   
"Franklin, it is fine for you show emotions other then happiness. You are human too." He says softly not letting the shorter male go. Eyes going wide he looks back up at the other. Shaking his head with a frown as the arms finally let him go.  
"Who else is going to make sure everyone else is happy and have someone to go to for emotional help? I can't help them and have them help me, it doesn't work like that." He says quickly moving backwards. "I am the happy one of the team, I can't let them see me in any other light." He finds the words getting caught in his throat.  
"Franklin, listen to me, as a team we all need help sometimes,but you can't carry everything yourself. That isn't going to end well, you have your own fears..." Stopping as tear stained face twists into anger as the words settle around them.  
"I do NOT have fears! I am perfectly happy all the time. You have no idea what you're talking about," He snarls, once again stepping around the him, "Just leave me alone, Locus." he growls. Sam flinches at the former name he once used letting the pink trooper leave.   
He finds himself going to the beach, stripping down he jumps in the water, a better way to explain his messed up makeup, if anyone noticed that is. He swims for some time, before pulling on his briefs and sitting on a rock. Once more he hugs his knees looking at his wrist, tracing the scars up towards the machainacl part of his left hand. Memories rush around him making him whimper as they fester to the deeper parts of himself. That familiar voice comes once more calling him back home.  
Back in the cave Sam stands there looking at the spot Donut once stood. Looking at his hands as they shake with crushing realization that Donut is losing a battle with himself. Turning heel he rushes towards the base to talk to Sarge about the youngest member of Red Team. He feels the urge to run, but knows it is better to not, to keep the others from panicking.  
Once inside he finds the others all sitting in the what should be the living, but is the workshop with a single sofa. They look up at him with the same worrying fear that clamps down on his heart. His eyes meet the nocturne eyes of the team leader, who beings to stand.  
"I found him, but I may have made things worse, by accident. He ran off, but I didn't follow." Sam says feeling the horrible disappointment gripping his legs. Sarge is by his side in moment's notice.  
"Son, it will be okay, Donut has always had these moments." Sarge explains, as Simmons and Grif nod relaxing into the sofa for cuddles. His eyes widen as the words crash around him with the heavy realization, that Donut has been alone for all this time. He looks this team over with terror filled eyes, rushing past them to the younger's room. The rest follow him as the panic in his eyes have them worried. He begins to go through the drawers looking something anything that could prove him wrong. Hands tremble as he finds the dairy of one Franklin Delonro Donut with blood on the cover and the last three pages. A small blade rest where the dairy could hide it. He turns slowly showing them, the pieces begin to click in their minds.  
"How did you find this out?" Grif inquires, as dread fills his words. Simmons covers his mouth as his human eye widens.  
"He just used it, I can see the fresh blood still." Simmons inputs as his cyborg eye gives him more information than he needs. Sarge stands there silently waiting for answers, but his face goes paler by the seconds. The elder moves towards Sam gently taking his arm and pulls the sleeve back. Old scars litter his arm going all the way to his elbow, resting in the center is one long scar that normally means death. A collective breath rolls through the room as Sam runs out to look for the farmboy.  
Ignoring the calls of his name, Sam rushes past Blue Team in a panic, how could they not see the signs or even know. They were all blind the crushing reality of those who didn't understand. He nearly trips coming up to the lake side beach they always have holidays on. Blood freezing as the rose colour top of Donut shimmers under the water. Body moving without a though Sam rushes into the water to save the other. Wrapping his arms around the chest of kindered he finds that there are rocks in the cloth tied to his waist. Desperately hands begin try and remove the rocks, but they fumble. Tears mix with the fresh water as another set of arms pull them both to shore. Gasping for air Sam turns to find Sarge standing behind him. Not giving a second thought to this lips press against the cold nearly lifeless ones of the man in pink. A breath of life is pushed into another set of lungs in hopes of it saving this one man.  
"Sam, slow down. Give him time to cough up the water." Sarge says kneeling down next to them. A rough calloused hand grips his shoulder quieting the trembling and shaking that has over come the strong soilder. Said soilder looks at Sarge as he takes over saving Donut. Flashes of the past begin to cover the sight before him.  
A younger version of Sam sits in the bathroom alone. This Sam shakes as he stares at the knife in his hands. The silver blade stained red of the monster he was forced to kill, monster was just a title given to people that opposed him. The blade presses against his wrist sliding with such ease there was no pain. The first strick became two then twenty, soon he feel that gnawing ball of unease and guilt in his stomach begin to unwind. Standing his legs shake, looking in the mirror he sees the faces of those he has killed behind him all sneering as if pushing him. He covers up the new wounds and heads out to be the good soilder he is meant to be.   
Time pass as the scars begin to add up and pile on top of each other. He stands once more in a bathroom.  
"Just like the first time." A voice coos in his head.  
"Yes, take the blade use it again. It has been so long since the last time." Another coos.  
"Come Sammie, just a little nick and we will be quiet." A third chimes in.  
Someone shakes him out of the memories shouting his name in a concered cry. Blinking away the remaining visions he stares at Sarge.  
"Sir?" he asks voice going towards the good soilder tone.  
"Sam, breath, I need you to breath I can't take care of you and Donut at the same moment." Comes Sarges strong voice. Sam nods allowing Sarge's calm pressence to surround him.  
"I am fine." Sam manages to say meaning his words for once in his life. Sarge nods looking at Donut.  
"He is breathing, but is out cold. We need to take him back to base and call Emily." The Corneal says sounding resoult. Sam carefully picks up the chilled unconsinous male as Sarge stands looking them both over with worry.   
Feet moving quickly the three of them right to the blue base. Sam frowns, but sees Dr. Grey out front already talking to Washington, Simmons, and Grif. The others have gathered all with worry rolling off them. Caboose looks up rushing to them.  
"Gruff, says that Donut is hurt, but he is sleeping so I see no wounds." the taller says. Sam frowns looking at Grif who shrugs. A sigh leaves the green soilder.  
"Caboose, this is a different kind of hurt. Donut hurts where you can't see it." Sam explains the best he can. Caboose frown tilting his head to the side before the lights dim at realization.  
"He hurts like Tucker does when he is alone," He says sounding more upset at this, "Why hasn't Grif or Simmons or Sargent got him help?" he asks talking softer as Sarge walks past to talk to Grey.  
"Because sometimes it is easier to not see what you don't want to see. They couldn't have known, because he hides it under smiles and jokes. It is all a mask." Sam says watching Caboose brush some hair out of Donut's face.  
"I wish he talked to me about it....the scary doctor is waiting you should take him to her." the blue soilder says stepping to the side, shoulder dropping. Looking at him Sam finds himself with two paths to take. A quick sharp breath pushes him forwards.  
"Come with me, Donut is going to want his best friend by his side, when he wakes up." Sam says as Caboose nods following. The walk to Grey in reality is a short one, but to Sam it takes hours to finally reach her. She guides them inside to the sofa where she has some equipment already set up. Sam lays Donut down then stands back almost leaving, till Grey stops him.  
"Sam, stay here. You will be wanted once he wakes up." She says, her normally cheerful voice falling flat as she turns back to checking Donut's vitles.   
Time passes slower than normal for everyone as they watch Sam sit by Donut just waiting. Sarge is the first to make a move into the room. Sam twitches at the sounds of the elder's footsteps, yet does not move. Sarge takes this as a good thing.  
"Sam, listen, we know this going to be hard, but you can't punish yourself for this. You couldn't have known that he felt like this." Sarge says voice ring with unsaid emotions.  
"I couldn't have, but you could have. You know to look at me first, but why couldn't you see Franklin was suffering as well, and for so long. He was alone, taking all of your pain and issues with a smile. He shouldn't have been doing such a thing." He says in one breath eyes never leaving Donut's resting form. Sarge flinches at the words as if they were lighting him with fire.  
"Yes, you're right," He says making the rest them freeze hearing Sarge admit he is wrong. Sam snaps his hard gaze up, "We should have seen, but we didn't want to see what was happening to him. Just like you had to go through." Sarge moves slowly towards Sam and sitting next to him watching for an sort of lashing out.  
"Mine is....was different." Sam says trying to avoid talking about the past.  
"Son, different as they may seem, they are still same in many ways. You are getting better, I saw that with the scars. You have grown stronger and will keep getting stronger." The older says placing a hand on top of Sam's taking said hand and putting it on Donut's. Sam looks at their hands, such contrasting tones of colour, a deep caramel nearly olive resting on top a sun kiss tan which has begun to fade, all resting under pale wrinkled fingers. Sarge pats their hands.  
"Give yourself some credit Sam, you have surrivied some trials, and have come out a better man for them. Donut will come out of this a little stronger." He says standing up ushering everyone else out of the room to give them space.   
Sam looks at Donut's face without all the makeup and the mask he wears. This young man is truly beautiful and worth having his own dreams. Taking a deep breath Sam begins to tell him about his past and what has made the stoic male such as he is.  
"-I heard their voice telling me to keep going to push harder." a shaking voice reaches his one ear. He groans trying to move to see who is talking, after all they are on his blind side. A hand grips his making his look at them.   
"Don't call the others, please Sam. I have to keep face." He manages to whisper, voice horase and rough from the water.  
"I won't, Franklin. You're not alone with this." Sam states, taking his hand and letting them trace the scars he has even the last one. Eyes going wide he looks at Sam.   
"You? But you don't let anything bother you." He says shaking, because how could this strong person be just like him.  
"I wasn't always this strong. At one point in time I was weaker than you think. I had let voices push me to the edge and I lept," Sam starts voice shaking, "I had taken the knife I used to put the first scar on my skin." Taking his fingers Sam helps him trace the first scar.  
"Sam..." Donut begins, but Sam places a finger over his lips.  
"I wasn't in the army just yet, I was living on the streets avoding foster homes. I was part of a small gang at the time. Even then I was a soilder to them, so it was natural for me to kill. They called the people monsters to ease the guilt, but it didn't work. The one that pushed me this far was a father, he had a child, but that wasn't the only reason. He had called me a monster, just I was told he was. That title stuck with me for years. I was with Felix when I jumped into that darkness hoping it would swollow me whole. I was wrong. Felix found me in the bathroom just right after I took the blade that I used the first time and used it for, what I thought, was the last time. Felix didn't let me live down the fact that a good soilder tried to kill himself. So I put that blade away and keep moving forward, voices of those I killed still follow me, but I don't let them push me that far. It took me years to get this strong, but you, Franklin, are stronger than I am. You have been quiet for so long helping your friends. You didn't give into the voice for so long as well." Sam says never looking away from the resting male.  
"Sam, I'm not strong, I'm so weak. I was just riding on borowed time till the voice just got louder and louder till it was screaming." He says with whimper looking away. Sam cups his cheek softly turning him to look at those marble coloured eyes strong with tie, but weak emotions.  
"You are so strong, so strong that you don't even know. The voice had to grow so loud for you to take the embrace. It only took it to get above a whisper for me to hug back. You had it screaming at you, Franklin, if I was half as strong as you we may have never met. That isn't a life I could imagine." He states voice going softer with each word. Donut stares at him eyes tearing up with the words of an honest heart. He leans into the touch letting his eyes fall shut.  
"I did what I could to quiet the voice, I drank to shut him down. I have scars on my upper thighs that made him quiet as well." His voice is no louder than a whisper. Sam looks down at the covered legs then places a hand over where the scars lie. Fingers rub against the blanket in a comforting manner.  
"We can share the scars from now on, Franklin, because you don't have to take all of their pain and issues alone anymore. I will be, by your side from now on. We can over come the voices together with time." Sam says placing kiss to Donut's cheek in a more plotonic manner.   
"That sounds like a wonderful plan Sam." He says as they fall into silence together for once in years both of their voices quiet, true bliss filled quiet surrounds them like a warm blanket.

**Author's Note:**

> Now, I was originally going to put this in the Blips, but it became too long, so has it's own post. I do you hope you like it, please tell me what you think. I would love to hear your thoughts.


End file.
